I really need help

[Tonnerre]

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&Mytoken=70CDD8A7-FAC2-49C0-87B41DE782D2B2FA65889527

Some background about me, I sent all of my highschool years in 3 RTCs and I have had a hard time ajusting ever since. Read the blog first then ask some questions but I just do not know what to do at this point. I am just so depressed. It is pretty bad. I almost want to just die. For the first time in my life I seriously though about it. I am actualy crying some. I am just so depressed and alone. I am lost.

[ryanman]

Says I have to sign in, I'm not registered with myspace and I'm not going to just to read your shit. If you're depressed, go see a Dr, they make pills for that.

Don't feel too bad though, wait til you fall in love, get married, get divorced, lose your kids, fall in love again, lose your mind because she's playing head games and you're too stupid to realize it, get arrested and admitted to the hospital for having suicidal thoughts because you think it's all your fault and you feel like you're a piece of shit, yeah, I cry everyday.

You'll get over it just like I will, either go see a Dr. or just keep yourself busy so you don't think about whatever is bothering you.

[Tonnerre]

Every year it gets worse. The more time that has elapsed since I left the group homes, the worse my life gets and the bigger the dissapointments. I hate medication, I was on a lot when I was in the RTCs and I do not want to go back. There has to be alternatives. Here is the blog This is the time of year, I tend to get really depressed. It is just full of bad memories and bad time. Every year it is just a lot of disapointments and sad times. It seems that it gets worse and worse every year and I just want to get away from it all. I am so sick and tired of this. I find it harder to enjoy my self, I have to drive faster and harder to actual enjoy the time on the road. Chances are I will try to push it to far and make it end.

I have noticed a pattern, I spend the holidays alone, I chose to not spend it with family, I do not need to feel worse then I already do. The topic always shifts to what have I done wrong, or why I should do something diffrent with my life. What I do is never enough and I do not care what they think anymore.

The thing that I hate the most really, is this, I am always lonelier at this time of year. I normaly have nothing steady but at this time of year I sit and see that everyone has some one and I have nothing.

I really should be use to this, I keep trying to feel better but nothing works. I visit my old group homes every so offen around this time so I have something fimillar to go back to. They where the only place that I was happy to be at. They were hell but they tried to make me happy.

At this point, I just want to stop feeling things, go and bad, I just want be alive and not having to worrie or be alone. I want a release. I want Death...

[Tonnerre]

This is sort of my life story. I know it is a lot but it helps people see the world from my point of view. I was born in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. My mother already had a divorce from her husband and her schizophrenia had already set in. I do not have many memories from there but my grandma was worried and we moved the Chino Valley, Arizona.

I liked it there. My grandma got me a bike and I learn to ride it. My best friend was my little brother. We did everything together. On of my favorite things to do was catch the little lizards that were all around. One of my memories was that we had many cats and on day, my mom was driving the car and ran over a few of them. I still wonder why she did not see them. I also have this memory of this fire pit that we would burn things. It lasted nice wile. After a wile, the State of Arizona thought that my moms psycho episodes were too much and took my little brother and me out of the home.

This was the first time that I lived with a foster family. I remember she was white and had a round nice face and curly hair but that is all I remember. For some reason we left that home and my aunt and uncle took us in.

Shortly after that my grandfather died. I was so sad that I did not get go see him and I could not understand why, but Christmas came soon after and me and Jesse both got ninja turtles bowels and the cereal that they had. This is actual the first Christmas that I ever had. I really liked it there.

It was cool what happened next. One of my sisters (she was really my cousin) had a cat, and that cat had kittens. My and my brother always played with them. Then one day one fell from the tree and broke its leg. This was my favorite one, it was white socks and we had to put it to sleep. Soon after, we put another pet to sleep. This one was Pouchy and it was to fat and was suffering.

Well when that happened, we got another dog. I liked him, he was big and yellow, but he attacked my friend. We wanted to give him away but the police said that we would be reasonable if he attacked another person. That was the last pet ever had. We put him to sleep shortly after.

I do not remember much about school wile I lived there but I think this was when I started having anger issues. I was kicked out of first grade school I was going to because this kid made a bet that I could not hurt him. Well I won the bet and I had to change schools. I went to this school called Slater. I still think that this was not a good choice but I was always the good kid.

The house that we lived in was just too small and it was now Jesse, me and 3 of my sister/cousins, the oldest had just started college.

We all moved to this big house that my parents still own in Lakewood. I was not crazy about this house. It was big and had a tree house but it was nothing like the old house. There was no huge back yard and there were no trees that I could climb but it was closer to the schools I guess that is why we moved.

I started middle school; my little brother had already been put into day treatment and another school. The funny thing is it was like a vacation. He had a great time and everything. Then my aunt and uncle thought that it would help me. For my little brother it was vacation, for me it was hell. He has to do some many great things and I just never saw a great vacation that he spoke so much about. The only good memory that I have is I learned how to swim correctly.

After a year of that, I went back to normal school but I was different. It was as if a year had passed for everyone else but not from me. I was less mature it seemed but I only realized it now. Well I finished 8th grade and went to Lakewood high school. I realized that I really did not fit in. I was part of the cross-country team because my aunt and uncle/parents said I was too small. I was but this was the last time that I was to be on any team it would turn out to be. They just simple could not deal with me. They thought spankings would make me learn but now I was not as small as I use to be and I started to stop them.

Then things finally came to a breaking point and I had to go to a hospital. I stayed there for a short time and I was ok. Then when back home and things got worse. I ended up at DCH, a RCT. This is where the most harm to me I think was done. I did not mature because there were bigger issues to deal with. Like my anger, which I notice now was only half my doing. I honestly think that anyone that would have been put through this much would have lost it long ago.

Well, I was there for about 4 years, where I learned how we should act, like problem solving and talking things out. Things that we that really did not help us to be normal but I think that they were worried about other things. I forgot to mention, my aunt and uncle had give up custody of me shortly after I went to DCH. So wile I am here learning how to mediate and going to high school, I am missing out on being a kid and having fun. There were no dances, no parties and DCH was now my home.

Well shortly after my 18th birthday, I went to Third way York. This is where I first learned how do cook and clean and really what I should have been learning the past 8 years of my life. There is one problem with group homes though, they need to focus on making you able to get along with others and they forget about the rest. Therefore, I get my diploma and I am at a loss of what I should do now. I have a crappy job and I have moved to the third way Lincoln. However, up until now I have lived my life waiting until I am out of the system. I am going to be out soon and I have no dreams or ideas. I am lost.

I am 19 by now and then I am told that I have 1 month to find a place to live. I am like ok, "I can do this". I look around and I cannot find anything that I can afford. Well I have a few days and still have not signed a lease. Then it is the day that I need to move out and I still do not got a place to live. They tell me that I have one more night, but that is all that they can do., my aunt and uncle come and take me the youth homeless shelter

I am there a day and I realize something sad. People come here and it is as if they have already been broken. They have no dreams or ideas about there life except to find a place to live. Some of them do not have that. Well, I have my bike and I still have not giving up hope one my life, I go look for a job. I only have a few jobs in the past but I need to get something. I have been looking and my friend tells me that they need a dishwasher at PF Changes. This is my lucky break. I go, apply, and get the job. It is not bad, but for the first week I have to work 5 days strait and I have never been a dishwasher. I am so tired buy the weeks end and then they decide to give me 4 days a week and a Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. My bike that I got for my birthday is stolen shortly after I move to the homeless shelter too.

This is one of the best things to happen to me. I have some money saved up and I go look for a place to live. I cannot stand the homeless shelter any more. I find a place and it is not too bad, it is 380 a month. Therefore, I move in there but very quickly, I start to feel lonely. There is no one there. I am so lonely every day.

At this point, I have visited my old group home every day, it is some place that I can go and still feel safe. One of my friends is moving out and I give him a place to live. This is a studio apartment, but it is still big enough for two people to live. Well I am working and then I have another friend that needs a place to stay so now we have 3 people in the same studio. In addition, the person below us starts to complain. This person is a little off. I had witnessed him yelling at some woman and he brought her to tears about making some noise at night. Therefore, when he knocks on my door I answer him and then just ignore him. Well then, one day he complains to the property owner and then I have to kick my roommates out. I do.

Well I now I have no roommates and I start talking long walks and meeting people where I go. I walk to the 16th street mall every day and then on night I am sitting on the bench playing with something in my jacket pocket, little do I know it is a razor and I cut my hand. I take my hand out of my pocket and a girl notices the blood on my hand and makes sure it is cleaned up. She walks me to a club that is close and she washes my hand. We talk for a wile and then the club close at 2 am. The person that she came down with from bolder has left so she asks if she can come back to me placed.

We walk the whole way back and I give here my bed and she says that she rather have the couch. Well after some time she comes over and starts talking to me. We get to talking. The next is a little bit blurry but she was my first and I can look back and laugh, I had no clue what I was doing.

I had bout a bike to replace the last one that I had. This one cost me $650, this is the start of my huge bike rides that I tell people about. We this girl, Molly, she lived in boulder, and I did not have anything to do on the weekends, and I had a bike. I though to my self, how hard would it be to ride all the way down there. Well the first time that I did it I got there late, rented a tent, and stayed the night in Canyon road. Road my bike back the next day. Then every weekend I would keep doing this. Keep in mind this is winter and about 30-50 outside. The first this that I did this water from my camel back was dripping on my pants and made ice. Well I started getting better and better. Then one day she moves, I wish her good luck.

Well now, all I have to look forward to is my work. It is great and I like it there. They make food for use every day and the work is not too bad. However, it is late in November, we are getting more people coming, and I cannot keep up. My friend that got me the Job is in prison for trying to rob an armored car and I am getting more and more demoralized.

I was fired and now I have nothing to do with my time. Now I got no money and no job and rent is due soon. The best part is that I now have my mountain bike that I had bought 2 months ago stolen and I get a call one night that my grand parents were in a car accident. The both die within a week of each other.

I have hit rock bottom. I do not know what to do. I have no more money and I need to move. My aunt and uncle find me a place in Lakewood. This place is shitty. It is a block from Colfax and there is a bar ½ block away. I live here for a wile. I just have a job at Casa Bonita and I having fun. I found roommates again and we are all doing well. Then one day my roommate calls my work. I am very busy and do not come to the front desk. He keeps calling and finally I go to the front. In addition, talk to the front. He thought that some one had stolen my stuff. I told him that I let my friend borrow it. Well then, I go back to work.

The manage talks to me that night and says that the front desk kept calling me and that I am fired because of it. I do not get the chance to explain I am just fired on the spot.

At this point, I am fed up with these jobs. I take the SATs and enroll in college. It is late and I will finish this tomorrow.

[ryanman]

Go get the medication.

[M@]

A few things I've learned about life.

Life sucks. Learn from your mistakes. Trust no one. Only two things are garunteed in life; you'll live, and you'll eventually die. Everything happens for a reason.

[ryanman]

:werd:

That's about all there is to it.

[Tonnerre]

If that is what is all to live, why are you still alive? What keep you going?

[-=[Juztin]=-]

In the roughest of times I've always just opted to look at life as there's only one place to go and that's up. As in things will get better if I am determined enough. It's definately been a very hard journey to where I'm at now, and I still got a long ass road ahead of me, but reaching and achieving the end of the road and the journey along are more than enough incentives for me to what to keep working at life. I eventually want a family and all the perks of the 'good life'. Life's always has a way of really testing you, and your only really limited by two possibliites, either your too scared, or your too lazy. If you can get past those and take a chance and get the drive to go do something, nothing can stop you and it will all eventually pay off. Do some soul searching and go after what you really, truly want. You may have a lot of weight to carry, but that's life, and if you can carry it along with you on your journey and not let it take you down then your a fighter and you will succeed.

[ryanman]

If that is what is all to live, why are you still alive? What keep you going?

Because I don't want to be known as the man who had almost everything he ever wanted and gave it all up because he was a pussy and couldn't handle these little challenges that life was throwing at him.

The ONLY thing keeping me going at this very moment is the thought of my kids growing up without me, I could give a fuck about the rest right now. I know it goes against what I just said above but it's just how I feel at the moment, well, for the past month.

[Tonnerre]

Through out my life I have kept on going, trying to look at the good side of things. The things that I haev done have me stronger and better but they also have put scars on me too. Some time I am able to cover up the scars and have not worries but after a wile things catch up with me, and I do not know what to do. What I do not want to have is this acumaltion of scars that I can no longer move. I fear becoming cold and hard. I love people despite all the hurt and sorrow they put me through, but I an sick of the cold and hardness of peple. I just want one, just one person that is warm unconditinal to me and then everything in the world will not matter.

[M@]

If that is what is all to live, why are you still alive? What keep you going?
The better question is, why not? Another thing that I forgot to put on my little list of things I've learned about life, is one of the most important things you'll learn about life....

"When you hit rock bottom, there's only one direction to go."

[Conrad]

This thread sucks..... Fucking get over it, the world isnt going to end.

[M@]

:werd:

[Deceptakhan]

This thread sucks..... Fucking get over it, the world isnt going to end.

No shit. My life has been an uphill battle, and I've lost more ground than I've gained. I think I speak for most everyoone on HAI, including you. This is what makes you a man. The way you handle it. I can go on and on about the shit in my life and how its so unfair. But I deal with it. Cause lord knows we all got our problems. But it has made a man out of me y0.

[ryanman]

This thread sucks..... Fucking get over it, the world isnt going to end.

And this is why dipshits like you should be banned from this sub-forum. He came here to ask for help for an issue he doesn't know how to deal with, not smart ass comments from stupid fucks like you that think their shit don't stink.

[Dave_L]

Pretty much what everyone else has said. Life is unfair and sucks but at least you're alive. There are so many less fortunate people out there. The one thing I have learned in life is that relationships are the most important thing that you'll have in life. Spend as much time as you can meeting new people and building the relationships that you have.

[Conrad]

And this is why dipshits like you should be banned from this sub-forum. He came here to ask for help for an issue he doesn't know how to deal with, not smart ass comments from stupid fucks like you that think their shit don't stink.

STFU Ryan.... you of all people shouldnt be saying shit!

Just because you all live the Jerry Springer way of life, doesnt mean that you are going to come here to this "serious corner" to find sympathy. This is an import forum which has gone awry! This is retarded, for one, no one on HAI for the most part is going to be a subject matter expert to why tonnerre has a really fucked up concept of how the real world works. Same retarded kid who runs from cops on his motorcycle and uses JB weld to fix it. I have no sympathy for retards, and i am tired of the american way of supporting those that darwin should have killed off long ago. You yourself are very borderline to that which should go the way of the lemming!

Your retarded shit doesnt stink comment has no relevance to what i said either. My life sucks too.... I am getting divorced.. blah blah blah I am not making threads about killing myself and how there isnt anything left to live for.

[Tonnerre]

Fuck you. Small wonder why you are getting a divorce, maybe if you were not so much of an ass then she would have stayed. And by the same token, you did have some that loved you, even if it was brife. I do not want simpathy, I want ideas. Somthing that would make things better. I know that was a low blow, but do not come here and talk shit.

[ryanman]

STFU Ryan.... you of all people shouldnt be saying shit!

Just because you all live the Jerry Springer way of life, doesnt mean that you are going to come here to this "serious corner" to find sympathy. This is an import forum which has gone awry! This is retarded, for one, no one on HAI for the most part is going to be a subject matter expert to why tonnerre has a really fucked up concept of how the real world works. Same retarded kid who runs from cops on his motorcycle and uses JB weld to fix it. I have no sympathy for retards, and i am tired of the american way of supporting those that darwin should have killed off long ago. You yourself are very borderline to that which should go the way of the lemming!

Your retarded shit doesnt stink comment has no relevance to what i said either. My life sucks too.... I am getting divorced.. blah blah blah I am not making threads about killing myself and how there isnt anything left to live for.
:rofl:

Must've hit a nerve.

One day you may go through a bit of depression and you'll see how it is, well probably not, you're a Marine, you're tough. WTFever.

[Conrad]

Fuck you. Small wonder why you are getting a divorce, maybe if you were not so much of an ass then she would have stayed. And by the same token, you did have some that loved you, even if it was brife. I do not want simpathy, I want ideas. Somthing that would make things better. I know that was a low blow, but do not come here and talk shit.

Tonnerre, you dont come here for ideas... people told you that you were a retard for riding a bike, you did it anyway! You are a disgrace to society period, no one here has anything good to say about you other then you are a complete tool, perhaps thats how you and ryan have bonded so well.

And for the low blow.... perhaps you are right. But i wont cry to everyone here about it. So quit being a bitch and grow up, and act responibly and perhaps i might respect anything you have to say. Other then ridicule it.

Ryan your a pussy!

[ryanman]

I haven't bonded with Tonnerre, LOL!!!! I'm in a slight state of depression right now so I kinda know how he feels, that's all.

Trust me, I'd /myself before I ever bonded with Tonnerre.

I'll admit, I am what I eat.

[M@]

Can I get a lock on aisle 4?

[M@]

I'll admit, I am what I eat.
You're a penis?

[Conrad]

I haven't bonded with Tonnerre, LOL!!!! I'm in a slight state of depression right now so I kinda know how he feels, that's all.

Trust me, I'd /myself before I ever bonded with Tonnerre.

I'll admit, I am what I eat.

i didnt call you an e-pussy....

[ryanman]

haha

[Dave_L]

Tonnerre, watch what you say about Conrad. All he is saying is maybe some of the shit that has happened to you could have been prevented. Maybe you should think twice before glueing your bike back together. Everyone goes through shit in life, get over it.

[kevino002]

lifes a game, just play your best and you will be fine!!!

[Tonnerre]

I had lunch with one of my good friends. It was nice to be around some one that cares. That always helps a lot.

[hatchbackgirl]

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant... We all have our challenges (some more than others) you just need to learn to rise above it and make it through. It will make you a stronger person in the end...

[Deltron_3030]

this thread belongs in the Emo forum suck it up and move on.

[Conrad]

this thread belongs in the Emo forum suck it up and move on.

:werd:

[Martian]

Tonnerre is a product of a very disfunctional system. He was raised in a system that taught him to pitty himself at every turn. Then he was taught that things will be taken care of for him since he is so underprivalledged. As a result, he walked through a system that handed everything he's needed to him including his HS diploma, current college level education, living expenses, and his place of residence. He has no one to answer to when he screws something up, nor does he even care. As far as he is concerned its everyone elses fault. He's made a life out of telling everyone how he got a raw deal, and how he wants help. Yet, when you extend him that help its either ignored, or wrong. This kid doesn't want any real help. He wants handouts, because he thinks its owed to him.

He was handed his HS diploma even though its very obvious to many that he isn't even at a 6th grade level education. Then he's had his whole way paid for at metro.

If you think for even one second that this kid is serious about anything, think again.

[ryanman]

I was starting to think that.

[Tonnerre]

Bike inpounded, I really have a lot to live for now. And fuck you, I have had to wrok for everything I have had. My aunt and uncle wanted me to live there, I moved when I got enough money to leave.

[Zach]

Bike inpounded, I really have a lot to live for now. And fuck you, I have had to wrok for everything I have had. My aunt and uncle wanted me to live there, I moved when I got enough money to leave.
Your reason for living was your motorcycle? dude, you got some seriously screwed up priorities. my advice, step back and take an intelligent look at your life. look at places where you can improve, and do it. it wont be easy, but real life isnt.

but who am i kidding, this will probably fall on deaf ears anways.

[MrsGhandi]

Try making a list of things you are grateful for, talents you've been given, things you've learned and the small miracles that happen every day that you're too busy to notice. Seriously...go to the library and check out Smart Talk by Lou Tice. You'll learn a lot about yourself.

Just my .02

[TXKompressor]

Fuck it Tonnerre... Life sucks, HAHAHA. When I was in Somalia, it made me realize one thing. No matter how bad I think I have it EVER! I will never ever have it as bad as 75%+ of the population of the world. There are people way worse of then your poor self pittying, whining ass. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Take responsibility for the actions you decide to make, no matter how stupid they are... No one forced you to buy the bike, fuck most of us tried to tell you it is a bad idea... When the fuck are you going to wise up and listen to your peers... No I say if you want to kill yourslef, do it and stop talking it about it, that is just more of you feeling sorry for yourself and wanting attention that you did not get growing up. Hell suicide is good, the world is overpopulated already right?

On serious note dude. Think about it and think about it really good. Think about your actions and the things you do. Jumping off that bridge (get attention) Buy the bike (to fit in and attention) all these actions have and will continue to have adverse actions until you decide to do something about it. Start looking at venues that you can make good decisions... Think a little harder about long term and what effects those decisions are going to do for the future.

[Deceptakhan]

I thought your mommy and daddy bought that teg you wrecked.

[Tonnerre]

Fuck it Tonnerre... Life sucks, HAHAHA. When I was in Somalia, it made me realize one thing. No matter how bad I think I have it EVER! I will never ever have it as bad as 75%+ of the population of the world. .

That is a good point. I get real depressed when I do not have a car or something to take my mind off of things. When busy life seems a lot better and when you have a car/bike you can escape from
it all for a while too.
One more thing though, not to make an argument but more of an idea, when bad shit happens all the time, if a new event comes up, is it really bad shit or is it just normal. If that is all you know then it is nothing but if you see the light some time you the bad shit really bothers you and sometimes it make the whole world seem black.

[ryanman]

you lost me.........